FAQ – New to BDSM
How do I start?
Be cautious, but don’t be terrified. If you meet a decent Dom he’ll take you through it step by step. He’ll coax you along gently explaining what he’s doing and find out what you want.
You’ll probably have a great journey with your Dom taking you into taboo areas that you’d never otherwise have tried. BDSM isn’t the pure sadistic and evil image that the real world tries to show – as a sub, you’re going to spend a lot of time naked – so get to over with immediately and get comfortable with having no clothes on. If a Dom is already playing with you or wants to do so, he’s already comfortable with your body shape and he’s looking at the Dom/sub relationship with your body as a lesser factor. You’ll also end up being naked a lot whilst chatting and hopefully laughing and joking – Its not all serious all the time.
Should I fancy my Dom?
The key element is to trust your relationship.
Not many guys are interested in BDSM and you don’t need a boyfriend to help you investigate BDSM.
Your Dom doesn’t have to be someone you’re attracted to – in fact, that can actually be a disadvantage in some cases, especially if you want to keep some emotional distance to your Dom. In many cases, you’ll find it much easier if he’s just trustworthy.
Statistically you’re far more likely to choose a boyfriend who is violent, a drunk, a lunatic or a psycho than a Dom with that characteristic, particularly if they’ve been around for a while (and this is because the BDSM community is pretty vocal).
Remember, it’s not love, it’s pure fun – if you and your Dom fall in love, it may be a bonus, but it can also ruin Dom/sub relationship.
How do I start?
So what I would say is, firstly, there is absolutely no need whatsoever to be terrified. If you meet a Dom who will take baby steps with you, and will coax you along, I suspect you’ll find the journey a wonderful, fulfilling experience. Don’t imagine that it’s all evil, nasty, sadistic behaviour. In fact, quite often, my subs and I laugh our way through a session for a good 80-90% of the time. It can be as much fun as any other mentally and physically stimulating activity (remember, it’s not love, so it can be fun. It doesn’t have to be all serious and rarely is).
What if somebody I know finds out?
If you’ve followed our advice, they won’t. Remember that what goes on inside the BDSM bedroom, BDSM flat or Dungeon stays there. You’re consenting adults and the fact that you’re there means that you are wanting to explore this side of your sexuality without any of society’s guilt or repression that arises because they don’t understand the BDSM environment. A good Dom will help you explore all the aspects that interest you within the 3C3S environment ( Consensual, Caring, Confidential, Safe, Secure and Sensual). The sooner you deal with a safe Dom, the sooner you’ll get comfortable about the lifestyle because if you don’t you’ll find it increasingly hard to repress it, and you’ll take greater risking the future because of your internal pressure to try the lifestyle.
Remember 35%-40% of the population have a kink and 15% of the population occasionally use light BDSM such as tying their partner to the bed and if you’re exploring the BDSM Lifestyle, you’re in a 2% of the population bubble – so you’re not even close to being alone. There’s probably 10-50 BDSM players who use the same polling station that you do on government election day.
What should I expect at the first meeting?
Any Good Dom will chat a lot with you online before he wants to meet and it’s the fake Doms who want to meet straight away and pressure you into this. A true Dom knows that he’s only going to get into your head if he knows you and trusts you.
Trust your gut when you meet – Don’t get hung up on looks, get hung up on Trust and safety – rely on your intuition and your instincts.
Depending on where and who you’re meeting and how you’ve planned things, you might expect a bit of theater – so don’t be surprised when you see your Dom, she/he will have dressed for effect ….. and set a scene to see how you deal with slightly scary (as in wow! it’s BDSM scary).
A good Dom will know you’re nervous or new and will not put any pressure on you. He’ll start a relationship with you. If you meet in a pub he’ll probably suggest you go to the toilet and remove your pants. If you’re in a skirt he’ll drop something below the table and have a peek and if you’re in trousers, he’ll order you (quietly) to hand over your pants – it will seem like a slightly kinky vanilla relationship, a bit further than you go with your boyfriend but not far. It’s up to you. If you’re happy with nudity, he’ll strip you and might put you over his knee and spank you, but he’ll take it at your own pace. That’s all that may happen at a first meeting or you may play with more sophisticated toys and furniture. If you’re comfortable, he’ll play a bit more but if he wants sex on a first meet or wants you to beg in public on your knees or meet you for the first time at a swinging party …..run. Over time as trust builds up, the control will be taken from you
Above all, you should
a) have discussed what you want out of the first meeting; and
b) you should be comfortable (well almost so) during the entire meeting; and
c) he should repeatedly check you’re still OK and keep reminding you at the first meeting about Safe words – if he does so, its a sign that he’s caring and making sure YOU’RE comfortable – he will start to take more control from you at a later date – at the moment, you’re still in control and giving bits of that control to him.
A good Dom will not be a complete control freak in the early meetings and if he is, Shout Red and run!
What if I’m no good as a sub?
if you’re starting out, that’s exactly what you should be thinking – all subs have uncertainty and insecurity even if they’re massively successful and dominant in their day job. If you so confident that you’re fully in control then ask if you’re really a sub or a Dom. Uncertainty is why the sub is submissive in the first place – have your securities, even talk to your Dom about them but don’t give up because you’re uncertain and don’t fail to act. Carpe Diem – Seize the Day and give yourself to a Dom. Allow your insecurities to get the better of you and you’re destined not to reach your BDSM goals and targets and miss out on a lot of fun. No-one sucks at being friends with someone, and similarly no-one sucks at being a sub (except perhaps a Dom) and the D/s relationship is just that, a relationship and like friendships, some will be successful and others won’t last.
A good Dom will break down your fears, uncertainties and barriers slowly and he’ll built up your confidence. Expect him to spank you at the first private meeting whilst at the same time making you feel at ease, and don ‘t be surprised (assuming he can spank properly) if you really enjoy it…… but he’s not going to beat the crap out of you with a stick on the first date.
Mutual Satisfaction, Mutual Fulfilment and Mutual Comfort is the way he’ll want to make friends. Similarly he’ll be teaching you the basics of how to address a master and what is expected of a sub…. and doing it slowly.
Don’t worry about your barriers, it the Dom’s job to get you to deal with these.
How will i feel after the first session?
However good your Dom is, you’ll feel dirty, used, guilty, angry, fulfilled, angry at your Dom and angry at yourself for allowing you to be humiliated and degraded. Every sub feels this way, not just at the first meeting but for quite a few of the early meetings. It’s that feeling that is so special. A good Dom will take you through Aftercare to help you deal with the feelings and will prep you for what you’ll feel. If he’s critical, grab pair of scissors and castrate him, it’s what he deserves. The Dom will set interesting and stimulating tasks for the sub, building on her internal conflicts and containing all sorts of elements including humiliation. He’ll coax and cajole the sub and provide the support she needs to develop as a sub. He knows that if he goes too far or too fast, he’ll lose the sub’s trust and that once lost it’s almost impossible to regain. Dom’s need bucket-loads of insight and empathy. The sub has all the power and voluntarily gives the power to the Dom, but will rapidly take it back if the Dom is abusive and then the relationship is over.
A sub must continuously grow, gain and strengthen via her submissiveness and will learn more and more about herself and experience emotions and feelings that she wants to explore as well as having simple “fun” and doing naughty/kinky things. He’ll know that submissives cry but that their overall experience should be a positive one.