Submissive: A good Submissive should be…
Emotionally stable enough to actually participate in a relationship to begin with.
Have a strong desire to submit
Does not manipulate the Dom/me or “Top from the bottom”
willing to admit when they are wrong
not looking for someone to rescue her from her life and fix everything for her
willing to ask for what they need/want
- Emotionally stable enough to actually participate in a relationship to begin with.
- I’ve come across far too many people (Doms and subs) who really need to just take a break from seeking a love life and work on themselves first. You know the type I’m talking about. These women (and men) have just gotten over a bad breakup and are more interested in hooking their Prince Charming Dominant as soon as possible. They’re lonely and (sadly) a little desperate (no judging, I’ve been there, rock bottom is hell, even more so when you’re alone for it). But they don’t want to take time between relationships to examine who they are and why the last one didn’t work out. They don’t want to heal and move on, they just want to move on.
- There are other cases where someone may not have the mental capacity to be involved in any relationship, let alone one that requires constant review, constant honesty (with their Dom/me as well as with themselves) and constant accountability. If a person can not be honest with themselves, they won’t be able to be honest with others and in BDSM honest communication is vital to the success of a scene and ultimately, the relationship as a whole.
- Should be willing to admit when they are wrong.
- Let’s face it, you’re not right all the time. No one enjoys being wrong, but there’s a difference in your mannerisms and behavior when you willingly admit that you’re wrong on something and when you feel trapped and/or forced to admit that you’ve messed up. The decision to willingly admit when you have been wrong tells the other person that you respect them enough to admit when they are right. It helps to grow the relationship as well as solidify the trust there. This goes a long, long, long way in a BDSM relationship, especially in the training phase of a D/s relationship. And since we’re being honest, you know how good it feels when someone says “Okay, you were right, I was wrong.” to you, why would you not want to return the favor and be just as willing to admit when you’re wrong?
- Is willing to ask for what they need/want
- A Good Submissive will tell her Dom when she needs extra time with him. She will also understand if he can’t immediately comply. She is willing to be honest about why she’s being extra bratty (sometimes it takes us a little while to figure out what we’re lacking, sometimes the Dom may have figured it out first, but usually the submissive just needs to spend a few minutes reflecting and trying to figure out what’s going on in her own head before she can put it into words for her Dom.) One way to help combat this is journaling. Many of the Doms I have met have had their submissive keep a daily blog/journal/diary to help both of them be able to communicate better. I know that for me personally, I can write out how I’m feeling and why I’m frustrated easier than I can verbalize it.
- Dominants are not mind readers. They can not possibly know every single want/desire/wish/need that you have. They can cover a wide range of them, but they’ll never know them all. Master once said that he likes picking out things for me from time to time because he likes knowing what I want. My immediate reaction was “How do you know what I want when I don’t even know what I want half the time?” He looked at me and said “Because you often tell me and I keep track of items you’ve said you want for when birthdays and holidays and random other times come up.” It was a bit of a shock to know that he both listens and keeps a record of my wants. As a result, I keep a “dreams and wishes” wishlist handy that Master can easily access (usually via Amazon.com but there are many other ways you can do this if interested). I admit, I forget what I’ve put on the wishlist more often than not, but the point isn’t that I remember, the point is that I’ve mentioned it to begin with. Asking for what I want is always better than assuming he will know what I want and magically provide it for me.
- Should not be looking for someone to rescue her from her life and fix everything for her.
- This is real life. This is not fantasy. This is not Disney. If you take away all of your problems, all of your stress, and take money out of the equation, would you still be willing to submit to someone else? If your answer is no, then you are not ready for a BDSM relationship, nor are you ready to be submissive to someone else.
- A Good Submissive chooses to submit.
- Have a strong desire to submit in the first place.
- This doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat. In fact, doormats need not apply. The Dominant that is looking for someone to always give in to what they want and never, ever question them or disagree with them is NOT a Good Dom and you don’t want to submit to him in the first place (unless heartache and frustration is your goal….)
- It also doesn’t mean that you must submit to everyone who claims to be a Dom/me. It simply means that you have a desire to be submissive in the bedroom, and maybe (for some of us) outside of the bedroom, but only to a certain person (or select few) and how exactly you submit should be discussed (as equals) before you jump into anything.
- Topping from the bottom is manipulation. It is where a submissive purposefully goes out of his or her way to get a specific (and usually negative) reaction from the Dom/me. The most common practice is doing something that goes against your rules simply so that you get punished for it. (For me, this used to happen when I was feeling neglected and frustrated and just wanted Master to pay attention to me. Much like a toddler throwing a fit, I wanted attention no matter what I had to do to get it. Over time, I finally learned to just ASK for it. Even if what I want is a “pain session” — in my case, a spanking, flogging, whipping, etc. It became easier on Master Jason AND on me to just simply tell him how I was feeling and why than it ever was to for me to “act out” and expect results.)
- It’s really that simple. On top of everything else he or she is, she chooses to submit and trust me when I tell you that it is a daily (sometimes minute by minute) choice. How you act/react, what you say when you’re angry, and whether or not you follow the rules you’ve agreed to are all things you choose. No one forces you to do anything (though sometimes it might feel like it, ultimately you know that the choice is yours to make).
- If you constantly feel as though you’re being forced to do crap you don’t want to do, then maybe it’s time to end that relationship or at the very least, re-negotiate the rules. As with any relationship, there should be some give and some take. Even in BDSM no one person does all of the giving, and no one person does all of the taking. That’s yet another reason why it’s important to take time to negotiate what BDSM means to each person involved in your relationship and figure out what you’re both willing and unwilling to do (or have done to you).
- Have a strong desire to submit in the first place.
- FAQ of the Submissive
The role of the submissiveWe’re often asked “what is a submissive?”I get nervous – is this normal?
Yes. It’s a big step you’re taking to be a submissive and it goes with a little nervousness; however there’s really no need to be nervous if you’ve found a Maser/Dom who knows what they’re doing. The key thing about being a submissive, as opposed to a sex slave, is that YOU remain in charge…..by choosing to be submissive. You are choosing to give yourself to Master at take his directions, but it is your choice to do so and to continue to do so.
Similarly it is Master’s choice to keep you his submissive and he’s free to decide at any time that you’re too much trouble (or not being submissive enough and you need to be more submissive or leave). By contrast, a sex slave gives herself instantly to the Master right from the start and from that point onwards, she’s his property to do with as he likes and he’s free to sell her or give her away without her consent.
So, if you’re going to meet Master for the first time after a series of online chats, subject to following the safety rules (http://www.instituteofbondage.com/safety-first-first-meeting-with-a-dom/), you should be nervous, but you should also be safe. A good Master will be very patient with you and keep you in your comfort zone.
A dress protocol is established by a Dominant as the way a submissive is to present themselves for any specific situation. These can be basic grooming habits to very precise details to what to wear to dinner or bed. They’re often the first rules established in a relationship and will typically be
– directions for when and what to keep shaved,
– when you can and cannot wear panties, the normal protocol for this is that you can’t wear panties as a standard option and must wear a skirt or dress at all times, and this is because as part of submission you are giving your body to Master to di with as he likes. You submit to his wishes. This means you can immerse yourself fully in the experience. Most Masters, for example, will require skirt and no panties and require you, when you arrive to say “hi”, standing with your legs slightly apart and they’ll run their hand up your legs and over your pussy to check you’ve complied with their wishes. The lack of panties also makes you feel slightly vulnerable, especially for example in glass lifts and escalators and stairs – but Master should permit you to travel in pants for safety (and for hygiene purposes and you’ll pop into a coffee shop jut before meeting him to remove them ……..
It’s about the submissive saying “I want to submit to your wishes”.
In the early days, he will then allow you to carry on as normal, but some submissives who have been trained longer, may be taken to higher class hotels and told to lounger around on the chair. Two common ones are sitting outside reading with your legs on the sunlounger or bench (with Master present for safety) and so that if anyone looks hard they can see you’re not wearing knickers and can just about see your pussy. During the really cold spells (think frosts and snows, you can usually be expected to wear jeans or trousers (usually very tight fitting ones) – and typically with a long coat. Expect Master to walk you through the park and tell you to slide you hand inside your coat and undo your trousers and then face him and he’ll slip his hand inside your coat and fondle you. If it’s snowing he may even make you drop your trousers to your knees and sit on the fresh snow with your coat spread out around you – your arse and pussy exposed to the snow, but no passers by would know.
The “no knickers and I’ll check” is about making you provide your submission immediately.
It’s about obeying Master and being submissive to his wishes.
Sometimes, you’ll have a long thick winter wool coat and be taken for walks entirely naked underneath (and if Master has any experience, he’ll take thermal underwear and clothes in a shoulder bag for when you get cold as it’s his job to make sure about your welfare.
Late night tube trips can be fun if you’re the only people in the carriage – as Master may require you to undress underneath your long coat and give him you clothes, and even (depending on carriage style) to undo your coat between stations.
Rules may include a prohibition on very short hair – because short hair can’t be pulled during sex …and if you haven’t had that experience, you should try it -there’s a direct correlation to orgasm strength http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/love-hair-pulled-according-psychology. Pulling on a woman’s hair tugs on her hair follicles, which energizes (or “activates”) the nerve endings at the back of her neck which in turn are linked in women to the nerve centres for pain and tension which are closely related to those for pleasure. In a woman’s brain, for evolutionary reasons to do with the pain/pleasure of childbirth, the response in a brain image for pain and pleasure (particularly when aroused or during orgasm) are closely connected – it’s called the Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response (ASMR) and can be activated by whispering in your ear or spanking, sending a tingling that happens and runs down your spine…and which can sometimes be felt during a haircut, etc. This same response can be triggered by having your hair pulled as it stimulates the hair follicles, but we don’t mean janking hair. It’s a firm grab of hair towards the scalp, possibly also slightly & quickly massaging the area before you grab (rub, rub, grab) and pulling a woman’s hair can actually intensify orgasms- both because pulling hair makes her arch her back and the the arch of her back makes it possible for you to hit her Deep Spot which gives the most intense orgasm but also because of the follicle nerve triggering.
Can I choose what I’m going to do?
The submissive may go to a party with Master, and he’s free to tell her that he wishes her to fuck other Masters there, but he will do so by talking to her first and telling her that this will please him. She has the choice in relation to each person she’s asked to fuck, and it remains her choice. (She may have to deal with Master’s displeasure later but that’s part of the dynamic). The sex slave however has no choice. If the sex slave is taken to a party, and told to fuck everyone, she must. A sex slave’s consent is actually given by Master, she no longer has consent to give, she’s handed that over to the Master.
A sex slave has assigned her consent to her Master and if he’s consented then she’s also consented (via her Master) . Although of course, in practice, the sex slave can choose to cease to be a sex slave at which point she has the right to control her consent again. It’s why there are very few genuine sex slaves. Most are deep submissives.
By contrast, the submissive retains consent at all times and chooses to do what Master wants her to do because she gives herself to Master. If Master asks her to do something, this is still subject to her consent.
It’s a very thin, but very important dividing line.
However, being a submissive comes with certain qualities that are hard to deny. We are eager to please, always looking for encouragement or satisfied replies. We feel the urge to give up power to someone we can trust and finally be able to fill a void that has been lingering in our lives. Being submissive is a part of who we are. It doesn’t go away and though submissive traits can be nurtured, I don’t believe you can “train” someone into being submissive