so….you’ve been kinky but never had a Dom…….

You’ve been naughty….very bad…..
and now you have to be punished severely

This is the message that many subs want to hear above all other  messages, even above the “I love you” message, although both have different context and in many cases are entirely compatible.

Clearly you’re going to enjoy this journey, this relationship governed by someone else controlling you and punishing you regularly, but only if the emotional dynamics and enjoyment for the sub is treated as important. Spanking and punishment is terrifying, but can also – in the adult dynamic – be both liberating and very erotic. Ask any good Dom and they will admit that they’ve had a dominant partner at an early stage of their relationships, perhaps not a Dom but someone who liked to take charge in bed ……and it is this relationship that makes for the good Dom because they can appreciate what it means to be a sub.

Everything a Dom does should be designed to help and entertain you and the Dom’s role is the really difficult role, – he has to create the scene, he has to know what arouses you, what punishments work for you, etc ……and you as the sub simply sit back, do as you’re told and enjoy the fun.

But you need a real Dom. Many inexperienced or fake Doms, simply take a label Dom as a means of getting lots of sex from women desperate to be dominated …and in practice they just cause pain to women and choose women that they don’t need to understand and who will readily accept bullying, as opposed to dominance, believing that they are being Dominated. These men often use women without understanding the love factor of BDSM, they don’t see the necessity of learning about the individual, what makes them tick, what makes them aroused, what punishments please them and what punishments can be used as a proper punishment …..in short they fail to understand the BDSM culture and lifestyle and that submission is about an equality of power, where power is exercised by just one party, rather than just causing paid.

The Dom exercises power over the submissive

Although we teach equality in the vanilla world, it is important to understand that the BDSM relationship (whether sexual or non-sexual) is one where the balance of power is grossly unbalanced in favour of the Dominant, by the willing consent of the submissive, something that outside a BDSM relationship might be deemed abusive, but because of the BDSM relationship is not destructive but forged with consent of the submissive to be dominated and consent of the dominant to take responsibility for the submissive.

As a sub, you want someone who will hold power over you and to USE that power demonstrably, with the Dom wielding power over the Sub, directing her and providing her pleasure and pain and controlling her. The consent to the relationship can be withdrawn at any time by the Sub and it is agreed from the outset that the Dom must accept that withdrawal (as contrasted with the abusive relationship where the the domineering party believes they own the other party and that the other party has right to end a relationship). This description of the abusive relationship should not be confused with the consensual position where the submissive agrees to be “owned” by the Dom within the BDSM relationship – and the distinguishing point is that the slave-sub can leave at any time, but the abused woman is considered to have no right to leave.

The Dom does not have unlimited power over the sub because the limitations and goals have been agreed in advance, although it is agreed that the Dom will push the sub’s boundaries but not to the extent that they injure the sub by pushing them way beyond what they can bear.

The relationship only survives where one partner is dominant and the other is a willing submissive. 

The Sub must trust the Dom and allow him to prove himself!

Willing partner comes from both sides.  Resist your Dom to the extent that he becomes frustrated and he’ll move onto other subs, leaving you high and dry. Most Doms are easily frustrated and even the most patient will soon give up on “timewasters”, even taking the view that it is insulting to the Dom and he will give up and move on.

Misunderstandings are avoided by use of contracts to deal with ensuring equality of rights and so that there is a record of what has been agreed in advance.