He took me to the edge of heaven, and then left me there to find my way home
It would have all been alright if he had been nice to me afterwards.
When it was over I could see it had just been fucking techinique for him
I‘ve got to get home or my wife will think I’m cheating on her
Aftercare is the final step in any scene that return the players, and particularly the Submissive, from the elevated states created in a session back into normal space, returning to the motor control and awareness they will need to get home once the session is over and returning them to the vanilla world.
Aftercare is the negotiated time after a scene or play time where you recover and take care of each other’s needs. This is also a time to reconnect to reality and re-establish roles outside the scene. Some scenes are very intense emotionally and psychologically, sepecially when soft boundaries have been overcome or at first encounters.
Aftercare and Age
Age is also a factor. The latest research is that emotional development continues until 25 and indeed the Victorians often recognised this by leaving assets tied-up (other sort of tied-up!) in a trust fund until the beneficiary was 25 years old. This means that although the under 25 year-old Submissive, might seem not to need much Aftercare, they will need more than the over 25 year old.
Similarly, it is important that the Sub is honest with the Master because earlier trauma, whether child abuse or abusive older relationships can lead to a perceived desire to be submissive, but can need extremely careful handling. (Such Subs are referred to as “Tender Subs”.)
Master Charles has extensive understanding of psychology and psychotherapy and this should be the case in all good Doms. The understanding that this is a joint goal of having fun of which maintaining the Dom/Sub relationship is only part of it – and it is just as important to maintain equality in After-care.
It’s anazing how many Subs I talk to who tell me that Aftercare (even if its provided at all) is at most a 5 minute “when are we meeting next and is there anything else you’d like to try? This absence of proper Aftercare is abusive and missing in many inexperienced or abusive Doms, and especially in Tin-pot Masters, Demi-Gods, and those who have simply decided to play at being Masters and Doms as a means of getting sex. These are men, not Masters, who simply seek to subjucate and crush the Sub, not to empower them.
(Many Doms treat their bottoms as Slaves and not Subs [Click here to see the difference between a Slave and a Sub]. .
Although appearing not to need particular aftercare and likely to pass the entire experience off as “experimental”, the younger or vulnerable Sub actually requires greater after-care. Without proper handling, the younger Submissive may experience both depression and anger, possibly uncontrolled anger which will emerge into other areas of her life.
Whilst this is still possible with older submissives and will occur in all cases where the Submissive has got past her soft-boundaries, younger Subs need more care but can also be si much more rewarding for a more experienced Master.
it is also important for all Subs to be in, and feel that they are in, a relationship that is both loving and protective relationship where the After-Care can discuss achievements and goals, feelings and issues, including guilt, worthlessness, anger and the ability to explore emergent sexuality or unusual fantasies or desires in private.
Can I have a successful Sub relationship with my Master if he’s married ?
I have been asked this question more times that I’ve had hot dinners (cunnilingus) over the last 20 years. The answer is that it depends on the Sub and the Master, but also it depends on the relationship between Master and his wife. In my case, my relationship with my wife is strictly vanilla, because my wife is a victim of sex abuse and rape as a kid and any step towards BDSM, even mind spanking or holding down her hands sends her into a panic and causes flashbacks, and she even struggles with vanilla sex. As a result, I’m in a happy but unfulfilled marriage. Fortunately our communication is exemplary and I was told in 1993 to go and find someone to play with and that was the start of Master Xoobs. I’m still in a happy marriage and I’ve had a number of very successful relationships with Subs over the years, some lasting for over 10 years, which is way above the normal average for subs. It’s also one reason, although not the only reason, that I don’t have slaves.
Do Subs need more aftercare than Doms?
This depends. It depends on experience and the Dom.
If the Dom is a White Knight Dom, then he’ll have at least 5 years of provable Master experience. An experienced Master will require less aftercare because he will be focussed on the Sub for the entire session, although having fun too. He’ll ensure both are hydrated properly unless there is a deliberate dehydration game being played. The Sub, however experienced, will require greater after-care than the Dom and if whe doesn’t then she’s play acting at being Submissive. It’s the Master’s role to help the submissive unwind and recover and each Sub is different. Don’t get me wrong, Masters also need aftercare; some like a massage or sex, but Aftercare is primarily about the Sub.
In my own Dungeon, I always bring food. Its an essential part of Aftercare and I find it a neat routing to start aftercare but feeding my Sub. Feeding is a great start to a transition back to the vanilla world. I can start almost like you would with an infant, feeding my Sub and gradually she will begin to feed herself without my permission or choice of food, thus gradually merging back into vanillaworld.
Food should however not only be available in the Dungeon, but its important what you feed during session.
During a scene, my Sub has a bowl of water on the floor and can request “Drink Timeout” without punishment. (Hydration is important!).
Some Masters usewater rituals because dying to pee and not being allowed to is part of the obedience and training and there is something about the psychology that allows greater submission via the element of having bladder control requirements when also being spanked. It confuses the brain allowing greated penetration into the subconscious.
What food in Aftercare
Although fruit and especially banana and pineapple (subect to Sub not having kidney issues) is great for aftercare as it attacks the chemical imbalance quickly but if given during scenes, it can operate on the dopamines when you don’t want it to. Small amounts of chocolate, high cocoa solids are also OK, but you want to limit this because it can create highs when you’re trying to get back to vanilla. A good Master should know his Subs food preferences and also know what’s healthy and what’s helpful in aftercase. (See my 12 page ebook – Feeding in Aftercare that covers food that will survive being prepared before the session so that you don’t have curled up sandwiches! )
Cuddles in Aftercare
Cuddles and tenderness are also important in Aftercare, but Aftercare can be strange too.
I’ve had many subs and our contracts have had different consents. In some, there’s been a pure nudity and punsihment to start with and they’ve proceeded to cock sucking only. In others, there’s been punishment sex. In most cases though, aftercare has included assisted baths or showers, pampering, cuddles and very often result in the most tender of penetrative sex. One slave had a strict rule about that said punishment cock-sucking only and penetration only with sex toys and general spanking and pain etc and this was fine, but in Aftercare, we’d cuddle up naked in a bed and I’d be so rock hard it hurt, and after the 3rd session, the cuddles turned into other very sensual and loving things….but it never changed the rules for the session. and although your Sub may have sucked your cock repeatedly or submitted to you completely – although your rlationship may not include
Aftercare is an often forgotten part of the negotiation process and there are many BDSM practitioners that do not perform aftercare after a scene, believing that it is the personal responsibility of the parties involved to take care of their needs after play. It is also less common for aftercare to happen when playing in a casual once only sort of event such as a play party. This is because the Dominant and submissive are there for selfish reasons and not for a dance of power between a well connected relationship.
Often, the first thing they will need is a drink of water, followed by a trip to the toilet. Lots of tender affection, cuddling and kissing will often comfort the person and improve their mental state
The emotional afterglow following the SM fireworks is not unlike the post-coital buzz following sex, and your actions and words will speak five times louder than usual. You can frame the scene beautifully with tenderness and respect, or blow it completely. And just as a perfectly executed single tail strike would be calamitously wrong if it followed a safe word, a wonderful scene can be wrecked by inexpert, thoughtless or cavalier behavior once the “play phase” of the scene has ended. Bad aftercare, or no aftercare, can do damage that is basically incalculable. It can leave your partner feeling queasy, unsatisfied, or used, ruin an otherwise great scene, or damage the trust and affection your partner has in you, if you are seen as arrogant, uncaring or clueless in that time of maximum tenderness and exposure
Avoiding the Sub-Drop
Problems in Sub-Drop can include:
- Reduced or inhibited serotonin levels,
- lowered blood sugar,
- low potassium and sodium levels,
- lowered body fluids.
- muscle weakness and/or cramps,
- irregular body temperature, lack of mental focus, irritability, and can lead to unconsiousness and even more severe problems.
One other thing to note (thank you my friend for pointing this out). The signs mentioned above – they are NOT solely occurring in the bottom/submissive/slave – the top/Dominant/Master expends energy in the form of both mental and physical exercise – this WILL cause much of the same things to occur in their bodies as what occurs in their partners – depending on their physical make up, the strenuousness of the scene, etc. – they may actually drop harder than their partner at times.
It is therefore important to not only be aware of what is occurr